


Plagg's Purrfect Cheese Chat

by voidchivk



Category: Miraculous Ladybug
Genre: Chat Noir adds his own puns, Gen, It's just a real blog about cheese, Snark, There's no plot, What Plagg does in his free time
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-02
Updated: 2017-01-07
Packaged: 2018-09-14 02:30:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 2,317
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9153673
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/voidchivk/pseuds/voidchivk
Summary: Hey it's Plagg here. So, I've decided to grace your presence with my thoughts on the varying types of cheese. I'd say hope you enjoy but I really don't care if you like it or not. That's it.





	1. Intro

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do I have three other stories to update? Yes. Am I currently writing them? Yes. Am I dealing with writers block? Yes. So seeing as this is the only thing I can write and actually approve of, here it the start of a cheese blog by Plagg

So, this is Plagg here. Recently, I've acquired a new guardian, and when he's not fighting crime as Chat Noir, I've gotta whole lot of time to kill. So, I thought to myself, what's a magically god older than humanity itself suppose to do? Run a cheese blog.

  
Look, cheese has been a passion of mine since over 4,000 years ago when Arabian merchant goofed up. See, this dude left his milk in a sheep’s stomach, which albeit gross, is nowhere near the most disgusting things you people have done (cough Black Plague cough). Anyway, the lining of the sheep stomach pouch plus a day in the heat led to the creation of mankind’s greatest culinary delight: cheese.

  
Here's the thing though. Some cheeses are far superior to others. And for those of you new to the world of cheese, it kind be pretty hard to tell the Gouda from the bad (I'm so sorry Chat Noir said, and I quote, “There's no whey I’m posting this if you don't use at least one pun.)

  
Fear not! For here on Plagg’s Purrfect Cheese Chat (again, blame Chat Noir), I will be doing reviews on the different type of cheeses you can expect to find in your lifetime. So, read on and maybe you can prove that all humans are stupid and can actually develop the proper pallet for cheese.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yea I'm not sure what I'm writing either but keep reading!


	2. Camembert

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This cheese needs no fancy introduction or additionally adjectives. It's simply Camembert

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yeah here's the first real review of a cheese. Unlike Plagg, I hope y'all enjoy it

CAMEMBERT

  
STARS  
Five out of Five

  
DEFINITION  
A mellow, soft cheese, the center of which is creamy and of a golden cream color, made from cow's milk.

  
PLAGG’S PREFERENCE  
Alrighty folks, I'm starting with the big gun here. When this cheese was made in Camembert, Normandy during either 1875 or 1880 (I can't remember when exactly cause hey, when you've been alive for as long me, dates tend to blur) the world was forever changed. There's just something about the milky, smooth, rich, buttery taste makes me weak in the knees (and yes, immortal Kwamis have knees). My favorite part is the smooth, runny, golden yellow interior where the flavor truly is. You still gotta eat the rind though, which is bloomy white caused by a white fungus aka penicillium candidum. I mean, I ain't saying it's bad, but trust me, once you taste the gooey center, nothing else can compare.

  
So, some people complain about this cheese because of the smell. Yeah, it may smell a little like a barnyard, you know, with the hay and mushrooms, but I like to describe it as earthy. It's how you know it's the real deal, not that fake stuff like kraft makes (which I'll be discussing in an upcoming post). A plus of the smell is it can be used against those who annoy you. Like whenever Chat Noir is driving me bonkers I make him go get me some. Serves him right for not trusting my infallible ancient wisdom. Also, it's hilarious how all his clothes now smell like it thanks to me.

  
As the price, I'll admit, it is a bit much for the actually good quality ones. Yes, you can get Camembert for under ten dollars, but trust me, that stuff isn't worth your money. If you shell out about seventy five dollars you can get the good stuff from Camembert Fine Creme Normande in the small size over on Amazon. But, if you're like me and need it in bulk, you can pay $285 you can get the same high quality in a greater quantity. So, win win.

  
Oh, here's a big thing. You gotta let it mature. So, for like 6 to 8 weeks, don't mess with it. At all. Just let it sit. The taste only increases over time. From personal experiences, I know how hard it is to wait. But trust me, wait. What I do is every week I buy a new thing of Camembert. That way I never have to wait 6 weeks, only one week instead. I call it my cheese cycle. Once you're in the cheese cycle, you never want to leave.

  
Can you bake and or cook with it? YES. Even though Chat Noir won't prepare me anything on the grounds that he doesn't know how to work a kitchen, doesn't mean you have to deny yourself these tasty treats. Here's some of the best: Creamy Camembert and mushroom pasta, baked Camembert, Camembert mac and cheese. But go out and search for these recipes yourself. I'm too lazy to give you any links but just use google, or bing, or even yahoo. There's plenty of options.

  
So yeah, that's it. That's all I can Brie to the table on the subject (I am so sorry blame Chat Noir). I honestly don't care if you check back in on my blog or not, but next time I'll be talking about Camembert’s brother from another mother Brie cheese. Well, Plagg, signing off now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So as it said, the next one is going to be Brie. After that, it's square cheese and that's the only ones I have planned. If there's a particular type of cheese you'd like mention it in the comments. As always, please leave kudos, comment, and share


	3. Brie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm gonna keep it Brie (curse you and your puns Chat Noir) but this is my feelings on Brie cheese

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I STILL have three other stories to update. And I wrote another blog on cheese. That's how my 2017 is going.

BRIE

 

STARS  
Four and a half out of Five

 

DEFINITION  
A salted, white, soft cheese, ripened with bacterial action, originating in Brie.

 

PLAGG’S PREFERENCE  
That's right, I'm still posting. This time, my featured cheese is none other than the classic Brie cheese. So, it's often confused for the love of my life, Camembert, but trust me, there's a few major differences. That's doesn't mean Brie isn't good. Camembert is just better.

Anyway, I need to stop thinking about Camembert, which is honestly quite hard to do, and focus on Brie. So, in a surprising twist, Brie cheese originated in the 1840s from, I'll let you guess, Brie, France. Honestly, if Camembert cheese came from Camembert, Normandy, is it honestly that surprising that Brie came from Brie, France? You'd have to be stupid not to get that, but hey, you humans have done stupider things (cough the titanic cough).

Look, the there are three things that Brie and Camembert have in common that get them confused. One, they are both cow’s milk cheese. Two, they are both soft-ripening. And three, they both have a white, flower rind. There's probably more things in common too but hey, I don't really care.

What I do care about is the taste. Brie has this lovely buttery and salty taste that any cheese lover would enjoy. The way the creamy cheese melts in your mouth is incredible. But not as incredible as Camembert.

One downside to me personally is the smell. Basically, it's not poignant, so it can not be used as a weapon against those who have wronged you. But hey, nobody's perfect.

So it's price? The good stuff is like five bucks an ounce so it's less than Camembert. If you're cheap, the $4.48 at Walmart gets you a whole small wheel. But, you know, that's from Walmart. Just because I would never lower myself to that standard doesn’t mean you can't.

Oh yeah, there's plenty of good recipes for Brie too. I mean, I think there are. I didn't want to go through all the trouble of looking them up but I'm sure they're out there.

Overall, it's a grate (Chat’s contribution) cheese. I'd eat a piece of it any day of the week. So you should probably try it. You'll thank me after you eat it. So that's all of my feelings on Brie. Plagg, out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, since it takes me less than 20 minutes to write one of these, I'll probably have another one after I write at least one of my works. Y'all should check those out to btw. Anyway, I hope you actually enjoys these and I'm always appreciate of feedback. Remember to leave kudos and share


	4. American Cheese

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The faker. The poser. The liar. Yes, I'm referring to a type of "cheese" known as the American square cheese.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I told myself, if this mess actually gets over 100 hits, might as well write another chapter. So, presenting review number 3, American cheese. 
> 
> Oh, one more thing. I feel like I need to say I don't actually share the same views as Plagg. I for one actually enjoy square cheese and I mean no disrespect to Kraft.

AMERICAN CHEESE

  
STARS  
One half out of Five

  
DEFINITION  
A type of mild-flavored semisoft processed cheese.

  
PLAGG’S PREFERENCE  
Hello faithful readers. It is I, Plagg. I'm sure you're over the moon to find that yes, I have another post. If not, I don't really care.

  
So this post here really uses the word “cheese” loosely. American cheese aka square cheese is one of the greater evils to come out of America, along with the twilight saga and the Kardashians (wow Plagg knows pop culture references what a surprise. Yeah, E! News is my favorite channel. Don't judge me).

  
Something went wrong in 1911 when this stuff was officially created. And there was definitely something wrong with James L. Kraft who spent the 1910s and 1920s making it popular. Like anyone could actually make such a revolting substance popular. But hey, somehow it worked and lol and behold it's the cheese of America. That should really tell you something about Americans.

  
Now, for the taste. One word: bland. Like, if I had to compare it to something, it taste like plastic. Like old, breaking down, chemical laden plastic. But, melted, it does work strangely well over hamburgers, so there is that  

  
Here's what really grinds me gears. You know something up with “Kraft singles” cause they can't even sell them as Kraft cheese. Since it's processed cheese, they can't refer to it as real cheese. Thus, the usage of the word processed. Go figure.  
Anyway, I'm gonna have to talk about the smell. There. Is. NONE. That means there's no way to drive people crazy with the smell, which is a real let down. Just another strike against good ole American Cheese.

  
Another strike is those plastic wrappers. They're more annoying than Chat Noir’s puns. The good owners of Kraft should've just left cheese provolone (And that's Chat’s pun for this post.) and not bothered with this unnecessary plastic.

  
Finally, I guess I need to talk about the price. It's cheap. A poor man's cheese if you will. For less than three bucks, you can get like 24 slices of the plastic wrapped monsterity. So that can count as a plus if you're super cheap.

  
Overall, I gave it half a star because of the fact there's cheese in the same. I took away four and half stars as through it taste and consistency, it brings shame to the good name of cheese. Like, once Chat punished me by only giving me this stuff, so I trashed all his underwear. Yeah, I was that mad.

  
So, that's it. I mean, I could probably rant about American cheese for hours, but who'd honestly want to read that. As for my next post, I have no clue which cheese I'm going to talk about. It's looking like either bread cheese or smoked Gouda, but who knows. Plagg, out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yeah, that's my mess of a writing. If there's any grammar or spelling mistakes, please inform me. I grately appreciate it. 
> 
> And, as always, remember to leave kudos like, and share!


	5. Smoked Gouda

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Look, I've already been forced to use a Gouda pun, so spoiler there won't be any in this chapter. With that out of the way, read on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I've got two other fics to update and have only written half of the next chapter for one of them. In the meantime please enjoy another rambling nonsense about cheese.

SMOKED GOUDA

  
STARS  
Three out of Five

  
DEFINITION  
Smoked Gouda is a variant of famous cheese wherein it is smoked in ancient brick ovens over flaming hickory chip embers. Sensational with beer, this hard cheese has an edible, brown rind and a creamy, yellow interior. It can also perfectly complement tasty snacks like fruits, nuts and dark chocolate.

  
PLAGG’S PREFERENCE  
Hello people of Paris (and the world), Plagg here again. I've back at it again with another cheese to review for your pleasure.

  
Now, first a side note. I'd like to first thank the people of Paris for all the underwear Chat Noir received. In my last blog, I mentioned how I destroyed his after he fed me American Cheese (which is a totally justifiable action). I'm not sure why some of you felt the need to spend your hard earned money on underwear for Paris’ hero, but hey to each his own. It was especially get those ladies who presented it in front of him and Ladybug. Those pictures on the Ladyblog were so funny, I laughed so hard I started to cry. To shut me up, he threatened to take away my blog, but then I reminded him of all the good that's come out of it.

  
Apparently, my blog has been really helpful to Chat Noir’s image. Like, sales of his Kerch has more than doubled (although still not as much as Ladybug) and his approval rating has skyrocketed. All of this is just another example of my endless wisdom helping out my kid.

  
So, now to the real reason you people read this thing (although in all honesty I myself don't even see the appeal.) For you today, I have a rousing discussion of smoked Gouda.

  
Here's another cheese named after another town. Apparently, in South Holland there's a place called Gouda. All I know is the more I learn the more I want to do a Cheeses of Europe road trip (I've already asked Chat and he's already said no. He's no fun like that.)

  
Now this stuff really isn't my favorite. It's good and all, but I'm much more of a Camembert/Brie guy (well cat Kwami if we're being technical). There's just something about a soft-ripening and white flowery rind that gets me every time.

  
However, I've got to review this fairly, as if is one, if not the most, popular cheeses in the world. It's somewhere around 50 to 60 of all the cheese consumed, although I'm not sure how Camembert isn't higher considering how much I personally consume.

  
Smoked Gouda, if you're willing to believe this, has a smokey taste. Yes, something that is prepared by smoking it over hickory chips tastes like smoke. Who would've guessed?

  
So what's the reason behind the popularity of this cheese? Basically, cause it goes with a wide variety of stuff. It pairs really nicely with nuts, chocolate, and fruits, so that makes it perfect for those awkward party’s you humans throw. Another way to use it is in burgers and sandwiches, which I personally am against both of those. Unless it is a grilled cheese, don't even think to put a sandwich in my face.

  
Finally, I gotta talk about the price. On Amazon, for like $25, you get a whole pound of that stuff. At places like Walmart, for like $4 you get a much lower price and quality. But hey, if you just want to try some, I'd start with that cause that'll make your bar real low.

  
That's it. That's all I can really say on Smoked Gouda. Hopefully that wasn't too horre-bleu (that's Chat’s, as I obviously don't care if you like it or not. Be ready for another update cause next time it's queso. So, with everything I need to say over, bye.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's all I got for this edition. All things said, this will honestly be a pretty regular updating fic as it doesn't take that much for me to write a chapter. I'm always open to cheese suggestion. Remember, I greatly appreciate kudos and comments!


End file.
